Letter 15 – Where is Christmas?

Dear Little One,

Oh, my sweet child! It’s almost Christmas. Although, this year Christmas has just lost some of the appeal. It’s still special, but I have had a really difficult time enjoying it as much as I usually do. I don’t know why this year seems worse or harder than other years, but it does. Part of my heart, just feels cold to Christmas because you aren’t here yet. It just feels wrong to celebrate without you. Maybe next year, I will be pregnant at this time and that will make things different…

I also wanted to tell you that I heard about this IVF grant giveaway from some people online. Your dad and I decided to apply and give it a shot. I have no idea how many people are entering–I think there might be A LOT of us! They are giving away 4 grants. I really hope one of them is for us. Maybe then, we could start IVF sooner than May or June! I am kind of expecting not to win just because of the amount of people I expect will apply. But I wanted you to know, we’re doing everything in our power to get you here. If God allows this to happen and us to win… that would just be AWESOME. Tomorrow, they are supposed to pick the winners. So, we shall see… I can’t say I won’t be a little disappointed if we don’t win, but at least we tried, right?

My heart hurts for you today.

I love you so much!

XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 14 – Seeing the signs

Dear Little One,

I’m thinking about you so much lately. More than usual even!

I know you will know that I have wanted you every second of my life, but I have to say, there is a silver lining in this waiting process. The great thing is that God has used this time to prepare me for the day you come. He has been growing me so much lately and helping me to become more of the woman it’s going to take to be a good mom for you. He has also been growing your dad a lot too, even though he may not realize it. I think he’s making sure we will be the best parents we can possibly be. He’s showing me how to be patient, how to be more generous, how to be fully present and enjoy the little things. All of those, undoubtedly, will come in handy when I FINALLY get to meet you.

I also wanted to tell you that I was able to schedule the consultation appointments for January and I couldn’t be more thrilled!

Something else really cool happened… On Sunday, I got a random message from a woman I used to work with back in 2014 & 2015. She is a Christian. Anyhow, she asked me to call her because she’d lost my cell number. So I did. She told me that she’d had a dream about me the night before. In the dream, she and I were driving and she was telling me that God had told her that my baby (you!) were coming soon and I should prepare the nursery as an act of faith.

Crazy, right?! She told me it was odd that she would dream of me so she took it as a sign that God wanted to use her to tell me this. I just laughed a little. I don’t think she knows about any of the other stuff that’s happened in the last year that has also confirmed what she said! It was just a little overwhelming for me.

After I got off the phone, I told your dad about the conversation and he said, “Not TOO soon!” He is worried about you, kiddo. Maybe more than me! He wants to make sure you don’t inherit his medical issues. He’s afraid that God will send you to us before we can do IVF and you’ll have his FAP stuff. BUT…you and I both know that God can do ANYTHING. I don’t think that’s how it’s going to happen at all. I have faith that God has a very special plan for you and for how he’s going to bring you to us. He has sent sign after sign after sign confirming that he is about to move. I’M READY! Whether it’s today or this summer or whenever… I’m excited to meet you, kid! I can’t wait to see how this story goes…

I love you.
XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 11 – An Umbrella Story

Dear Little One,

I have to tell you about something that happened. I will do my best to articulate this, but my words often fail me when trying to communicate the intricate ways God works with me. Here goes…

Back in January of this year, I felt that God was telling me to do something as an act of faith regarding you. I decided to start crocheting a baby blanket. (I wrote about it in Letter 7.) Shortly after I began that project, I felt a little foolish–and crazy–for crocheting a blanket for a child that doesn’t yet exist. Within a couple of days, I happened upon a Facebook post from one of the infertility bloggers I follow. Here’s what it said:

Friends, I have done this before and I think it deserves a repeating. You see, it’s Josiah Day (see link below), but unlike last month when I ventured down the baby aisles, I didn’t go down them this time to just pray. It wasn’t enough for me this time. Because once upon a time I heard that prayer is asking for rain; but faith? Well, faith is after you pray, you carry around an umbrella. It’s having one with you even when you don’t see a cloud in the sky. It’s sticking one in… your purse even on the days there isn’t a drop forecasted. And it’s opening one up even when all hope for needing it is lost. Friend, it’s basically being expectant; but not just with words, but in action. And so today, after I prayed I decided to purchase an “umbrella;” however not for me, because I have lots of umbrellas from previous Josiah Day’s. But instead I wanted to purchase one for you…

Because even now before your miracle happens, I want you to have a baby blanket to hold while you pray earnestly for the moment you are wrapping them up tight after a sweet bubble bath. I want you to bathe your scent in these soft cuddly toys for the day they will need them when you are not near. I want you to have a book so that you can start practicing for when the time comes and you are reading to them each night before they sleep. I want you to have these packages of Kleenexes for that moment you see your long awaited answered prayer for the first time and you are finally able to count their tiny fingers and watch them wiggle their tiny toes. And that chocolate? It’s for now. Or later. I’ll let you decide.

Sweet sister, I have prayed for rain and now I am buying you an umbrella for the down pour. Because I have faith to believe that He hears, He knows and He will answer. I don’t know when, or how, or in what way, but isn’t that faith? It’s asking for rain and then carrying around an umbrella…

 

To read more about Josiah Day click here —> https://waitingforbabybird.com/whats-josiah-day/

 

I felt validated. I felt encouraged. And I persisted until your blanket was complete.

Fast forward to last week. On Monday, I was randomly thinking about my aunt, Denise. I don’t think I’ve told you about her yet, but she’s Mimi’s youngest sister. Denise and I were very close growing up because she was more like an older sister to me. Anyhow, I sent her a text simply saying, “I love you.” The next morning she replied with an odd story about umbrellas. Her text said:

I love you!! The short version of the story…
A farming town needed rain for their crops, so they decided to have a prayer meeting. The preacher got in front of the crowd and told them to all go home before they even started praying. When the crowd asked why, the preacher told them if they didn’t believe enough to bring their umbrellas, they didn’t need to pray. 

I believe for you. I will continue to pray. I love you super mucho!

I didn’t really “get it”, that is, until Friday. A card showed up in the mail from Florida. When I opened it, she wrote inside explaining that she heard a sermon on “NOW faith” and thought of me and felt convinced she should do something to show her faith in God’s provision of our miracle. (That’s you!) Inside, she included a gift card to Walmart for us to go get an “umbrella”. I linked her story to the Facebook post I remembered. On top of that, early Friday morning, in my prayer time I was praying for God to show his love to me in a new way and was reminded of God’s presence in weather. The Holy Spirit led me to this verse:

God thunders marvelously with his voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend. (Job 37:5 HCSB)

It was all a little TOO coincidental, for me, to be just a coincidence. That was Friday.

Yesterday, I was in my morning quiet time and the Holy Spirit said to me “El Shaddai”. I had heard that term as one of the names of God, but didn’t know what it meant.  My research showed me that the first time El Shaddai is mentioned in the bible, it is referring to “the promise” of Abraham… for fertility and to conceive a child. I felt that that was further confirmation. El Shaddai means “All-Sufficient One” which is interesting because when I received the terrible news from our fertility doctor, God spoke the verse from 2 Corinthians 12:9 to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So… I sent your dad a message while he was at work and told him I wanted to go to Walmart and spend the gift card we got. He was on board. Last night, your dad and I had dinner and then ventured to the store and picked out a diaper bag. It was the easiest purchase! Haha! I said, “What about a diaper bag?” He said, “Sure.” I picked up one and asked his opinion and your dad said, “No, that’s too small.” So I grabbed another one and he liked it. So we got it. It was so fun to do that together!! I’ve bought other things for you… fabric I like and 1 blanket, but having your dad there with me and contributing input was so special to me. It felt real. A diaper bag is like… REAL. It’s a necessity. It’s obviously a diaper bag so it’s not something I could use for something else. I can’t really explain it, but I am so glad we got it. I’m also so happy that I have people in my life who are helping me to “carry the torch” of faith.

Anyhow, I kept the card to add to your memory box.

I gotta say, kiddo, I’m feeling really good about this. I’m believing that God is going to do something awesome. I’m feeling a little nearer to you after all of this. I’m so looking forward to your arrival!

Until then…

I love you!

MOM
xoxox

 

Letter 10 – Preparations & Planning

Dear Little One,

Oh, my goodness. This process has been so hard. Much more difficult than I ever could have expected. We’re just past the 34 month mark of this journey and I honestly don’t know how to process that it’s almost been 3 full years. For some people with similar struggles 3 years was just the beginning. I hope that’s not the case for us. I don’t know how well I could wait another 3 or 4 years for your arrival. I’m already so impatient!

Your dad and I have spoken a little more about how we plan to proceed in conceiving you. I think we’ve safely settled on In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF). It’s a very expensive procedure so we most likely won’t be able to start that until next year, at the earliest. We’re aiming for late next summer; that way, if we’re successful, you’ll be born in the spring. I hope you’re born in April or May when it’s warm and lovely. Before the awful heat of summer kicks in. Then, again… maybe God will bring you before we go through IVF. He certainly can.

In any case, I’m trying to prepare for you in the only way I can right now. I’m trying to eat healthier and make some changes physically so that the pregnancy when/if it does come will be easier on my body. I want to make my body a safe place for you to grow and be well-care for. So far, I’ve given up all alcohol. I’ve added way more fruit and veggies and I’ve been working on cutting down on coffee and caffeine. (That’s the hardest part!)

I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Your dad and I are working really hard to remodel this house we’re in so we can, hopefully, make a good profit when we sell. That’s going to be our IVF money. (Your dad’s idea!) You should see him. He is working so hard to make all of our dreams come true and to find a way to bring you to us. I love seeing how much he wants you too! We both are so ready to be parents.

I can hardly wait for you…

I love you,

MOM

Letter 8 – A Pause

Dear Little One,

It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.

The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!

So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!

As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.

I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.

I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.

I love you.

XOXOX,
Mom

Letter 5 – Another Dream

Dear Little One,

I had another dream. It was short and simple, but it was wonderful.

I had a dream that I was in a room talking with a little girl. She was maybe 4 or 5 with a round baby face and brown hair that had a slight red tinge to it. She was adorable and talkative. In the midst of talking with her, I realized I was pregnant and that this little girl was my future child. When I came to that realization, I silently prayed, “Lord, if this is my child and if I’m pregnant, tell her to have me name her Lily.” I, then, asked the little girl, “What name do you want me to give you?” She smiled and said, “Lily.” Then, I rubbed my belly and thanked God for giving me that.

I woke up with that name going through my mind over and over.

It made me smile. It brought some hope, which I’ve been lacking a little. I feel like this dream might have been from God. I hope he’s telling me that he’ll bring you to me soon. It was so real. Almost like I could touch her.

If you’re reading this… and you’re a girl… you’ll know why I named you Lily. Because the Lord told me in a dream to name you that.

Oh my precious little one! How I long to see you! To hold you! To look into your sweet face and kiss your little cheeks! I am thankful for this dream, but it only makes the hole all the more painful. I pray that the Lord sends you to me and your dad soon.

I want you to know that we already have a room picked for you… and painted. I also know how we’ll decorate it! I bought some fabric to make into blankets or bibs or other things for you. I imagine sitting in that room and rocking you to sleep or feeding you. I imagine watching you play and reading you bedtime stories. I wonder when those days will come.

I love you, sweet baby. Already. I know that it sounds crazy, but I already feel a connection to you. I hope you know I love you more than words can say. Come soon, little one.

I love you.

Mom