Dear Little One,
Oh, my goodness. This process has been so hard. Much more difficult than I ever could have expected. We’re just past the 34 month mark of this journey and I honestly don’t know how to process that it’s almost been 3 full years. For some people with similar struggles 3 years was just the beginning. I hope that’s not the case for us. I don’t know how well I could wait another 3 or 4 years for your arrival. I’m already so impatient!
Your dad and I have spoken a little more about how we plan to proceed in conceiving you. I think we’ve safely settled on In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF). It’s a very expensive procedure so we most likely won’t be able to start that until next year, at the earliest. We’re aiming for late next summer; that way, if we’re successful, you’ll be born in the spring. I hope you’re born in April or May when it’s warm and lovely. Before the awful heat of summer kicks in. Then, again… maybe God will bring you before we go through IVF. He certainly can.
In any case, I’m trying to prepare for you in the only way I can right now. I’m trying to eat healthier and make some changes physically so that the pregnancy when/if it does come will be easier on my body. I want to make my body a safe place for you to grow and be well-care for. So far, I’ve given up all alcohol. I’ve added way more fruit and veggies and I’ve been working on cutting down on coffee and caffeine. (That’s the hardest part!)
I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Your dad and I are working really hard to remodel this house we’re in so we can, hopefully, make a good profit when we sell. That’s going to be our IVF money. (Your dad’s idea!) You should see him. He is working so hard to make all of our dreams come true and to find a way to bring you to us. I love seeing how much he wants you too! We both are so ready to be parents.
I can hardly wait for you…
I love you,
Dear Little One,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. It was Mother’s Day last weekend, which naturally made me a little sad and wishing you were here. Oh my goodness, I miss you so much!!
Something wonderful happened in the midst of the whirlwind of emotions last weekend. You aunt, Destiny, gave me my first ever Mother’s Day card. It was such a sweet gesture. She wrote on the inside a special note about “rejoicing in what (& who)” God will be bringing to my life. It was so special. I’m gonna save it for you and put it in a special place because I think you’ll be happy to see it when you’re old enough to understand.
I know I’ve told you before, but, again… you are so loved and so wanted. We are ALL waiting with bated breath for your arrival. What makes things like that card so special is that… I don’t think it’s just me that already feels some sort of spiritual connection with you already. I think Destiny is going to be so in love with you. Maybe you’ll have a connection in that you both will be “miracle babies”. In different ways, but equally special.
Oh, my sweet child, my heart is full of hope for you.
The hardest thing in the world is being patient. I felt ready for you YEARS ago! Now, I’m just waiting for God to send you to me. I really hope it’s soon. Mainly because your cousin, Kaylee, is 3 and a half now. I really hoped you two would be close enough in age that you could play together and be friends. The same thing goes for your Uncle Justin’s boys… Bryce is almost 7 (I think!) and Gavin is 4.
Another thing is… I REALLY want you to know your Grandpa Jeff (Pawpaw). Unfortunately, his health hasn’t been doing too well the last year. He’s spent a lot of time in the hospital in Chicago. He is such a good grandpa to the boys and I know he would be just as loving to you. I hope he is around for a long time to come, but I worry that you won’t have the privilege of knowing him.
I feel like I’m being redundant, but I really can’t wait to meet you. You’ve got two parents; a slew of aunts, uncles, and cousins; and a whole village of other family and friends eagerly waiting for you!
I love you.
Dear Little One,
It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.
The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!
So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!
As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.
I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.
I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
Where are you, my little love? My heart hurts because it misses you so deeply. I don’t know how that is possible when I’ve never had you in the first place, but I do. So badly.
I think about you on the regular. Practically every day! Sometimes more than once a day…
I have to tell you something, Little One. I started making you a blanket. I started crocheting it on January 21st, I think. It’s almost done. This is the first actual crochet project I’ve ever made. It makes sense it would be for you. It’s white, coral, lime green, and aqua. I hope you love it. Coral is one of my favorite colors. Coral and lime were two of the wedding colors in me and your dad’s wedding too. I wanted colors that were bright and colorful, but not overly feminine. You may wonder why… it’s because when I think of you… I always see a girl. I also see a girl who is lovely and sweet and soft, but also playful and a little rugged. If you’re anything like your dad and me, you’ll most definitely be an independent and strong-willed kid. I want you to embrace femininity and girlyness, but also completely capable of standing on your own two feet. Your dad talks about taking you fishing and hunting and teaching you how to build things–traditionally those activities are for boys, but you’re dad and I aren’t traditional! Haha! I hope you are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, wise, loving, generous, kind, empathic, determined, and passionate. I hope you are fearless and fully devoted to God. I feel like you’ll bring so much joy and laughter to our world and that you’ll leave beautiful fingerprints of love on every soul you meet. I want you to be a light in a very dark world. Nothing would make me prouder.
I can’t wait to start this journey with you, kid. I can’t wait to meet you and watch you grow into an amazing person. I hope I’ll be as good of a mom to you as I plan to be. I hope you go to bed every single night knowing just how much you are loved, my child. You are.
Dear Little One,
I had another dream. It was short and simple, but it was wonderful.
I had a dream that I was in a room talking with a little girl. She was maybe 4 or 5 with a round baby face and brown hair that had a slight red tinge to it. She was adorable and talkative. In the midst of talking with her, I realized I was pregnant and that this little girl was my future child. When I came to that realization, I silently prayed, “Lord, if this is my child and if I’m pregnant, tell her to have me name her Lily.” I, then, asked the little girl, “What name do you want me to give you?” She smiled and said, “Lily.” Then, I rubbed my belly and thanked God for giving me that.
I woke up with that name going through my mind over and over.
It made me smile. It brought some hope, which I’ve been lacking a little. I feel like this dream might have been from God. I hope he’s telling me that he’ll bring you to me soon. It was so real. Almost like I could touch her.
If you’re reading this… and you’re a girl… you’ll know why I named you Lily. Because the Lord told me in a dream to name you that.
Oh my precious little one! How I long to see you! To hold you! To look into your sweet face and kiss your little cheeks! I am thankful for this dream, but it only makes the hole all the more painful. I pray that the Lord sends you to me and your dad soon.
I want you to know that we already have a room picked for you… and painted. I also know how we’ll decorate it! I bought some fabric to make into blankets or bibs or other things for you. I imagine sitting in that room and rocking you to sleep or feeding you. I imagine watching you play and reading you bedtime stories. I wonder when those days will come.
I love you, sweet baby. Already. I know that it sounds crazy, but I already feel a connection to you. I hope you know I love you more than words can say. Come soon, little one.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
It’s been just short of two years since your father and I started this journey. I know your dad had his reservations about having babies. I know he has always wanted you, but with his FAP disease he wasn’t sure if he wanted to take the risk that he could pass it on to you. After many talks between me, your dad, and Nana and Papa… we decided to go for it. (Mainly, I know that God is in control and whatever will happen, will happen, but your dad is much more cautious than me, I guess.) Even though your dad has FAP, it doesn’t seem to hold him back from much… other than binging on pizza and popcorn. Haha! And the same thing goes for your Papa and Uncle Justin. Although, your uncle does have a more severe case than your dad does.
Anyhow… every month since September 2014, when we started this journey, our anticipation and eagerness to become parents has only increased. (Especially mine!) Your dad talks about you and his hopes for you. He’s so ready to be a daddy and you are SO lucky because he is going to be a great one! I admit, this process has been hard for me. I have been waiting and praying for you since I was a little girl myself! I can’t wait to become your mom! Sometimes I get impatient and frustrated that you’re not here yet, but I know that God’s timing is perfect. And he’ll send you into our lives at just the right time.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but I already love you so much. I dream about you. In most of my dreams, you’re a girl. (Only once were you a boy!) Even your dad –who NEVER remembers his dreams– had a dream about you once and you were a girl in his dream too! That was the only time in the 5 years I’ve been with your dad that he ever remembered a dream and shared it with me. So that should say something!
One of the things I am most excited for is telling all of the family and our friends that you are on your way. If nothing else, I want you to know how deeply and immensely loved you will be. Of course your dad and I will love you, but our family and friends talk about how they can’t wait for us to have a baby. Your Papa teases me about it regularly. Him and Nana love Gavin and Bryce so much and they are beyond ready for another grandbaby. Mimi and Pawpaw ask about you a lot too. And I know your Aunt Ashley can’t wait for Kaylee to have a cousin to play with. And by the way, I think you are going to love your cousins! Bryce is kind of quiet sometimes, but he can also be really fun and goofy. Gavin is the same way, but he’s definitely much more active and playful. You’ll have your hands full with those boys! Kaylee is fun and spirited and such a character! I have no doubt you’ll be close. Hopefully, she doesn’t take after Aunt Ashley when she’s a teenager… You’ll find out why when you’re older!
Anyhow, I need to get going to work now. I hope whenever and wherever you read this that you’re having a wonderful day.
I love you.