Dear Little One,
Oh, my sweet child! It’s almost Christmas. Although, this year Christmas has just lost some of the appeal. It’s still special, but I have had a really difficult time enjoying it as much as I usually do. I don’t know why this year seems worse or harder than other years, but it does. Part of my heart, just feels cold to Christmas because you aren’t here yet. It just feels wrong to celebrate without you. Maybe next year, I will be pregnant at this time and that will make things different…
I also wanted to tell you that I heard about this IVF grant giveaway from some people online. Your dad and I decided to apply and give it a shot. I have no idea how many people are entering–I think there might be A LOT of us! They are giving away 4 grants. I really hope one of them is for us. Maybe then, we could start IVF sooner than May or June! I am kind of expecting not to win just because of the amount of people I expect will apply. But I wanted you to know, we’re doing everything in our power to get you here. If God allows this to happen and us to win… that would just be AWESOME. Tomorrow, they are supposed to pick the winners. So, we shall see… I can’t say I won’t be a little disappointed if we don’t win, but at least we tried, right?
My heart hurts for you today.
I love you so much!
Dear Little One,
I’m thinking about you so much lately. More than usual even!
I know you will know that I have wanted you every second of my life, but I have to say, there is a silver lining in this waiting process. The great thing is that God has used this time to prepare me for the day you come. He has been growing me so much lately and helping me to become more of the woman it’s going to take to be a good mom for you. He has also been growing your dad a lot too, even though he may not realize it. I think he’s making sure we will be the best parents we can possibly be. He’s showing me how to be patient, how to be more generous, how to be fully present and enjoy the little things. All of those, undoubtedly, will come in handy when I FINALLY get to meet you.
I also wanted to tell you that I was able to schedule the consultation appointments for January and I couldn’t be more thrilled!
Something else really cool happened… On Sunday, I got a random message from a woman I used to work with back in 2014 & 2015. She is a Christian. Anyhow, she asked me to call her because she’d lost my cell number. So I did. She told me that she’d had a dream about me the night before. In the dream, she and I were driving and she was telling me that God had told her that my baby (you!) were coming soon and I should prepare the nursery as an act of faith.
Crazy, right?! She told me it was odd that she would dream of me so she took it as a sign that God wanted to use her to tell me this. I just laughed a little. I don’t think she knows about any of the other stuff that’s happened in the last year that has also confirmed what she said! It was just a little overwhelming for me.
After I got off the phone, I told your dad about the conversation and he said, “Not TOO soon!” He is worried about you, kiddo. Maybe more than me! He wants to make sure you don’t inherit his medical issues. He’s afraid that God will send you to us before we can do IVF and you’ll have his FAP stuff. BUT…you and I both know that God can do ANYTHING. I don’t think that’s how it’s going to happen at all. I have faith that God has a very special plan for you and for how he’s going to bring you to us. He has sent sign after sign after sign confirming that he is about to move. I’M READY! Whether it’s today or this summer or whenever… I’m excited to meet you, kid! I can’t wait to see how this story goes…
I love you.
Dear Little One,
I just wanted to say hello and let you know how things are going. First, your dad finally has a timeline for his job and the insurance. We found out that as of January 4th, his insurance should be active. I’m really excited about this because this means that we can start moving forward!!
I plan to call this week and schedule a consult with 2 of the local clinics to compare pricing and plans and all of that. I’m going to schedule them for the middle of January. The reason I am calling now is because most of the time these clinics have long wait times and it can easily be a month before you can even be scheduled. Because I am impatient, I want to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible. (You know how I am!)
Something else really cool happened, your dad found out he’s getting a raise! So our finances should be in a better position when we do have the extra expenses IVF will undoubtedly bring.
I’m so giddy with excitement. God has really been preparing us for this journey ahead and I couldn’t be more thankful for how he has been walking me through this season of waiting. I hope you know that God has been working this whole time to get you to us in just the right way and at just the right time. I believe that wholeheartedly. God told me last week that He is going to bring you to us in such a way that it will be undeniably through his doing and he will get the glory. I’m just waiting to see how he writes your story, Little One. It’s already got the most beautiful preface!
I met your Aunt Destiny for coffee yesterday. I just can’t help but think of all the wonderful memories you’ll make with her! A few weeks ago she texted me that she can’t wait to hold you in her arms. My heart hurts in just the right way when she says things like that. I love that you’re not even conceived yet, and your story is already touching people. That’s the most magical thing of all! Oh, my sweet child, whenever you read this… I hope you know in your very core that God has made you with a very special purpose and that you devote your entire life to finding and fulfilling it. I hope someday you have faith that moves mountains! God knows, he’s moved so many just to get you to us!
With every bit of my heart, I love you.
Dear Little One,
It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.
The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!
So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!
As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.
I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.
I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.
I love you.