Dear Little One,
Oh, my goodness. This process has been so hard. Much more difficult than I ever could have expected. We’re just past the 34 month mark of this journey and I honestly don’t know how to process that it’s almost been 3 full years. For some people with similar struggles 3 years was just the beginning. I hope that’s not the case for us. I don’t know how well I could wait another 3 or 4 years for your arrival. I’m already so impatient!
Your dad and I have spoken a little more about how we plan to proceed in conceiving you. I think we’ve safely settled on In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF). It’s a very expensive procedure so we most likely won’t be able to start that until next year, at the earliest. We’re aiming for late next summer; that way, if we’re successful, you’ll be born in the spring. I hope you’re born in April or May when it’s warm and lovely. Before the awful heat of summer kicks in. Then, again… maybe God will bring you before we go through IVF. He certainly can.
In any case, I’m trying to prepare for you in the only way I can right now. I’m trying to eat healthier and make some changes physically so that the pregnancy when/if it does come will be easier on my body. I want to make my body a safe place for you to grow and be well-care for. So far, I’ve given up all alcohol. I’ve added way more fruit and veggies and I’ve been working on cutting down on coffee and caffeine. (That’s the hardest part!)
I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Your dad and I are working really hard to remodel this house we’re in so we can, hopefully, make a good profit when we sell. That’s going to be our IVF money. (Your dad’s idea!) You should see him. He is working so hard to make all of our dreams come true and to find a way to bring you to us. I love seeing how much he wants you too! We both are so ready to be parents.
I can hardly wait for you…
I love you,
Dear Little One,
It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.
The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!
So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!
As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.
I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.
I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
I wanted to tell you a little about your dear ol’ dad.
First, he’s amazing. I’m sure you already know that though! But he really is.
He is the kind of man that gives 110% in everything. The way he loves me is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. He is soft and sweet and also playful and rough. He is perfect for me in every way that counts. He also works hard… crazy hard! He goes to work even when he is sick and doesn’t feel well. He is such a man of integrity and great character. I can’t wait for you to know him. He is going to be the best dad to you. I believe that with every ounce of my being.
He has like 100 t-shirts. He wears his clothes until they are literally falling apart at the seams and says the holes are for venting purposes. It drives me crazy, but that’s kind of how he is… he likes things “worn in” and comfortable. He doesn’t throw things away when it can still be used. It’s just further evidence of his loving heart and inability to give up.
He loves sweets. You’ll figure that out probably by the time you’re two! Chocolate, cookies, brownies, candy, cake… he loves it all! If it has sprinkles and gobs of icing, even better! I imagine the two of you bonding over ice cream… that’s one of his favorite indulgences.
Your dad is really a big kid at heart! And that’s one of the things I love most about him! He has a really goofy sense of humor and I’m sure you’ve heard his “chipmunk voice”! He loves to wrestle and tickle and just be generally silly. Not many people get to know this side of your dad, so I hope you know how lucky you are that you’ll get to see all of his wonderful dorkiness.
I want you to know that while your dad sometimes gets a little heated, sarcastic and even cynical, he has a really big heart and he’s a major softy! He tries to keep his emotions to himself and be strong, but he worries… a lot. He worries that he won’t live very long due to his FAP disease. He worries that he won’t be successful. He worries that he won’t be able to provide a good life for me (and for you, when you get here)! He worries that he’s not good enough. He’s really really hard on himself–so take it easy on him when you get to that strong-willed teenager phase! This is kind of heart-breaking for me because he really is one of the best people I know and I wish he could feel that.
I can’t wait for your dad to have a child. He’s going to be such a phenomenal father and I hope you appreciate all of his awesome qualities as much as I do. He’s pretty great.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
It’s been just short of two years since your father and I started this journey. I know your dad had his reservations about having babies. I know he has always wanted you, but with his FAP disease he wasn’t sure if he wanted to take the risk that he could pass it on to you. After many talks between me, your dad, and Nana and Papa… we decided to go for it. (Mainly, I know that God is in control and whatever will happen, will happen, but your dad is much more cautious than me, I guess.) Even though your dad has FAP, it doesn’t seem to hold him back from much… other than binging on pizza and popcorn. Haha! And the same thing goes for your Papa and Uncle Justin. Although, your uncle does have a more severe case than your dad does.
Anyhow… every month since September 2014, when we started this journey, our anticipation and eagerness to become parents has only increased. (Especially mine!) Your dad talks about you and his hopes for you. He’s so ready to be a daddy and you are SO lucky because he is going to be a great one! I admit, this process has been hard for me. I have been waiting and praying for you since I was a little girl myself! I can’t wait to become your mom! Sometimes I get impatient and frustrated that you’re not here yet, but I know that God’s timing is perfect. And he’ll send you into our lives at just the right time.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but I already love you so much. I dream about you. In most of my dreams, you’re a girl. (Only once were you a boy!) Even your dad –who NEVER remembers his dreams– had a dream about you once and you were a girl in his dream too! That was the only time in the 5 years I’ve been with your dad that he ever remembered a dream and shared it with me. So that should say something!
One of the things I am most excited for is telling all of the family and our friends that you are on your way. If nothing else, I want you to know how deeply and immensely loved you will be. Of course your dad and I will love you, but our family and friends talk about how they can’t wait for us to have a baby. Your Papa teases me about it regularly. Him and Nana love Gavin and Bryce so much and they are beyond ready for another grandbaby. Mimi and Pawpaw ask about you a lot too. And I know your Aunt Ashley can’t wait for Kaylee to have a cousin to play with. And by the way, I think you are going to love your cousins! Bryce is kind of quiet sometimes, but he can also be really fun and goofy. Gavin is the same way, but he’s definitely much more active and playful. You’ll have your hands full with those boys! Kaylee is fun and spirited and such a character! I have no doubt you’ll be close. Hopefully, she doesn’t take after Aunt Ashley when she’s a teenager… You’ll find out why when you’re older!
Anyhow, I need to get going to work now. I hope whenever and wherever you read this that you’re having a wonderful day.
I love you.