Letter 17 – Preparations

Dear Little One (LO),

Good morning! It’s spring! Finally the temps are rising and the birds are chirping and the grass is turning green again. I am so thankful for the reprieve from winter!

Since it’s spring, I have been thinking about you and I wanted to update you on the progress we’re making…

After researching what feels like a million places, we may have finally settled on a clinic for our IVF. Many ladies in the infertility community have recommended a place in New York called CNY Fertility. It is far more affordable than most other places we’ve seen. I have a pretty good feeling about this one!

Because they are so affordable, they are super busy! (I’m a little concerned about that part…) The earliest I could get in for a consult was June 20th. I am kind of glad for the long wait in some ways because it has given me time to do more research and get psyched for it.

The fundraising efforts have kind of slowed. The whole raffle thing seems to have fallen off the radar as your Aunt Ashley and Uncle Matt are moving and I don’t have the time or energy to see it through either. I am instead focusing on the yard sale fundraisers we’re planning because those are more my pace.  We have had SO much stuff donated to these fundraisers! The house is beginning to feel a little like an episode of Hoarders because of it! It’s a good problem to have though. I’m hopeful we can get at least 1-2,000 off the yard sales and that will help!

As for your dad and I, we have been SUPER busy working on getting these projects around the house completed so we can sell it this summer. We’ve made a lot of progress the last month or so! It’s all coming along nicely, although, I don’t think we will have it done until the end of summer most likely. I am just praying that God increases our strength and gives us the ability to finish these projects in a timely manner.

The best part of this phase of life is your dad and me and our marriage. I love that man so much. He continually amazes me in so many ways. I love how playful and fun our marriage is. The other day, we had an impromptu mini-volleyball match in the kitchen with a balloon. It was so fun! We laughed and had the best time just being silly together. That’s my favorite thing about him. He brings out my playful side.

Speaking of playfulness, your cousins (Gavin and Bryce) visited for a bit Saturday. Watching your dad with them makes my heart just melt. Seeing how much he loves them gives me a glimpse of how much I know he’ll love you. You two will have such fun together. He’s going to be the best daddy to you. I just know it!

Over the years, we’ve been trying to get pregnant, I have seen this tenderness come out in your father. I have seen his desire for children turn from ambivalence to passion. It is touching to see how his love for children has grown. I can’t even explain how I have seen him shift in this regard… I think the difference is he has HOPE. Before he was unsure about kids because he didn’t want to pass on his health issues. Now, he seems hopeful that he can have children without worrying about that.

Anyhow, I had better get ready for work. I love you, kiddo.




Letter 16 – Lo! The Community Baby

Dear Little One,

I just hope you know how loved you are going to be. The miracle baby. The baby God chose. The “community” baby.

Your aunt, Ashley, came over last night while I was waiting for your dad to get home from work. She promptly announced that she had an idea to help us raise money for IVF. She proceeded to spill details about this idea… a raffle/auction.

In 2 hours, without any real advertisement or major effort, she was able to get 8 different companies to contribute items to this raffle. I am AMAZED.

Kid, I hope you don’t let this go to your head, but EVERYONE is pulling for you. Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed by this. It is beyond me. This dream that was planted in my heart so many years ago has taken root has gone to seed. Like the puffy part of a dandelion– those little seeds of hope have been scattered by the breath of God have now begun to embed themselves in the soil of other hearts. We are all hoping and praying and waiting for you.

Also, I was thinking this morning about how your dad and I call you “little one”. I was thinking about LO. I knew that the phrase “Lo” is in the bible, so I googled ‘lo verse’. And it popped up with Psalms 127:3…
“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord : and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” (KJV) That made me smile. I also looked up the definition of that word, since it isn’t used much in today’s lingo. It said, “exclamation -used to draw attention to an interesting or amazing event.” I think that’s perfect for you… LO.

I am so excited to see this journey continue to unfold. You are worth waiting for.

I love you.


Consult Day – part 2

Dear Little One,

I never finished that first post but let me tell you how things have been progressing the last month.

My first IVF consult was difficult. The short version is that the Doctor told me I had a “low ovarian reserve” meaning I have fewer eggs remaining than a woman my age should have. This was hard news to hear and I definitely felt like we had been dealt another blow.

After this consult, I spent about a week in prayer as to what the next step would be.

Three weeks after Consult #1, was Consult #2 that I had already scheduled months ago in case I wanted a second opinion. For the record, I am SO glad I did that!!

Consult #2, was much better than the first. The doctor was very kind and helpful and I liked her personality a lot more. I ended up going back to that clinic the following day because she wanted to perform an ultrasound and get some blood work done. Great news! All of my blood work and my ultrasound… everything was where it should be! I DO NOT have a low ovarian reserve after all. Thank the Lord!

Since then, I have just been waiting and working. Lol. Your dad and I are really trying to make headway on the house projects so we can move forward and sell the house. We are really REALLY hoping to get the house listed and sold by June so we can start IVF.

Can I tell you a secret? I think you are coming to us soon! Maybe it’s just being hopeful and maybe I’ll be wrong, but I just have this feeling that you are going to be born in the spring… like March or April. (I’ve always wanted my first baby in the spring!)

I really have been wrestling with this name Lily because–while I do love it–it’s SO common. Although, I just keep coming back to this feeling that you’ll be born around Easter and–if that’s the case–Lily is pretty perfect. I think of Easter lilies. Your dad is super allergic to their pollen, but I just love what they represent. And Easter! Easter is celebrating the death and resurrection of Christ. It is literally about bringing promises of hope, life, redemption, and restoration.

This is the origin of the word “Easter”, which seems completely appropriate as well…
Old English Easterdæg, from Eastre (Northumbrian Eostre), from Proto-Germanic *austron-, “dawn,” also the name of a goddess of fertility and spring, perhaps originally of sunrise, whose feast was celebrated at the spring equinox, from *aust- “east, toward the sunrise” (compare east), from PIE root *aus- (1) “to shine,” especially of the dawn.

Anyhow, I think it would be perfectly poetic for you to be born around Easter. So, you and God should have a talk and see if we can’t all get on the same agenda on this. Haha! 🙂

Something else encouraging happened. Your aunt, Destiny, had a dream about you. She said you looked wise and had these eyes that she was just caught up in. She said you knew her and said her name and everything. She said you had blue eyes.

Lately, when I think of you, I imagine this little girl with long brown hair and piercing turquoise eyes. I imagine you’ll have your father’s dimples and my giggle. I imagine you’ll be our wildflower and have this amazingly sage-like quality to you. I ran around barefooted so much of my childhood and I think you’ll probably do the same…

I just have to say, “I love you.” Whoever you are and however you look… I will love you just the same.

Come soon, sweet child.


Consult Day

Dear Little One,

Today is the day of the IVF consultation! I’m starting this letter before I leave and will be finishing it up afterward so I can let you know all about it.

Right now I am feeling hopeful, excited, antsy and nervous. I can’t believe we’re here like… We are actually about to go meet the doctor that may bring help bring you to us! That is such a crazy thought. What a long road this has been so far just to get to this point! I know it’s going to feel even longer once we go through all the IVF stuff, but I feel so happy just to be this far!

Kiddo, I hope you read my words in these letters and feel all of the love, the anticipation, and the hope we carry in our hearts for you. Meeting you someday is going to make every second of this journey so worthwhile. 🙂

Time to go…


Letter 15 – Where is Christmas?

Dear Little One,

Oh, my sweet child! It’s almost Christmas. Although, this year Christmas has just lost some of the appeal. It’s still special, but I have had a really difficult time enjoying it as much as I usually do. I don’t know why this year seems worse or harder than other years, but it does. Part of my heart, just feels cold to Christmas because you aren’t here yet. It just feels wrong to celebrate without you. Maybe next year, I will be pregnant at this time and that will make things different…

I also wanted to tell you that I heard about this IVF grant giveaway from some people online. Your dad and I decided to apply and give it a shot. I have no idea how many people are entering–I think there might be A LOT of us! They are giving away 4 grants. I really hope one of them is for us. Maybe then, we could start IVF sooner than May or June! I am kind of expecting not to win just because of the amount of people I expect will apply. But I wanted you to know, we’re doing everything in our power to get you here. If God allows this to happen and us to win… that would just be AWESOME. Tomorrow, they are supposed to pick the winners. So, we shall see… I can’t say I won’t be a little disappointed if we don’t win, but at least we tried, right?

My heart hurts for you today.

I love you so much!



Letter 14 – Seeing the signs

Dear Little One,

I’m thinking about you so much lately. More than usual even!

I know you will know that I have wanted you every second of my life, but I have to say, there is a silver lining in this waiting process. The great thing is that God has used this time to prepare me for the day you come. He has been growing me so much lately and helping me to become more of the woman it’s going to take to be a good mom for you. He has also been growing your dad a lot too, even though he may not realize it. I think he’s making sure we will be the best parents we can possibly be. He’s showing me how to be patient, how to be more generous, how to be fully present and enjoy the little things. All of those, undoubtedly, will come in handy when I FINALLY get to meet you.

I also wanted to tell you that I was able to schedule the consultation appointments for January and I couldn’t be more thrilled!

Something else really cool happened… On Sunday, I got a random message from a woman I used to work with back in 2014 & 2015. She is a Christian. Anyhow, she asked me to call her because she’d lost my cell number. So I did. She told me that she’d had a dream about me the night before. In the dream, she and I were driving and she was telling me that God had told her that my baby (you!) were coming soon and I should prepare the nursery as an act of faith.

Crazy, right?! She told me it was odd that she would dream of me so she took it as a sign that God wanted to use her to tell me this. I just laughed a little. I don’t think she knows about any of the other stuff that’s happened in the last year that has also confirmed what she said! It was just a little overwhelming for me.

After I got off the phone, I told your dad about the conversation and he said, “Not TOO soon!” He is worried about you, kiddo. Maybe more than me! He wants to make sure you don’t inherit his medical issues. He’s afraid that God will send you to us before we can do IVF and you’ll have his FAP stuff. BUT…you and I both know that God can do ANYTHING. I don’t think that’s how it’s going to happen at all. I have faith that God has a very special plan for you and for how he’s going to bring you to us. He has sent sign after sign after sign confirming that he is about to move. I’M READY! Whether it’s today or this summer or whenever… I’m excited to meet you, kid! I can’t wait to see how this story goes…

I love you.


Letter 13 – Moving mountains

Dear Little One,

I just wanted to say hello and let you know how things are going. First, your dad finally has a timeline for his job and the insurance. We found out that as of January 4th, his insurance should be active. I’m really excited about this because this means that we can start moving forward!!

I plan to call this week and schedule a consult with 2 of the local clinics to compare pricing and plans and all of that. I’m going to schedule them for the middle of January. The reason I am calling now is because most of the time these clinics have long wait times and it can easily be a month before you can even be scheduled. Because I am impatient, I want to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible. (You know how I am!)

Something else really cool happened, your dad found out he’s getting a raise! So our finances should be in a better position when we do have the extra expenses IVF will undoubtedly bring.

I’m so giddy with excitement. God has really been preparing us for this journey ahead and I couldn’t be more thankful for how he has been walking me through this season of waiting. I hope you know that God has been working this whole time to get you to us in just the right way and at just the right time. I believe that wholeheartedly. God told me last week that He is going to bring you to us in such a way that it will be undeniably through his doing and he will get the glory. I’m just waiting to see how he writes your story, Little One. It’s already got the most beautiful preface!

I met your Aunt Destiny for coffee yesterday. I just can’t help but think of all the wonderful memories you’ll make with her! A few weeks ago she texted me that she can’t wait to hold you in her arms. My heart hurts in just the right way when she says things like that. I love that you’re not even conceived yet, and your story is already touching people. That’s the most magical thing of all! Oh, my sweet child, whenever you read this… I hope you know in your very core that God has made you with a very special purpose and that you devote your entire life to finding and fulfilling it. I hope someday you have faith that moves mountains! God knows, he’s moved so many just to get you to us!

With every bit of my heart, I love you.