Letter 13 – Moving mountains

Dear Little One,

I just wanted to say hello and let you know how things are going. First, your dad finally has a timeline for his job and the insurance. We found out that as of January 4th, his insurance should be active. I’m really excited about this because this means that we can start moving forward!!

I plan to call this week and schedule a consult with 2 of the local clinics to compare pricing and plans and all of that. I’m going to schedule them for the middle of January. The reason I am calling now is because most of the time these clinics have long wait times and it can easily be a month before you can even be scheduled. Because I am impatient, I want to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible. (You know how I am!)

Something else really cool happened, your dad found out he’s getting a raise! So our finances should be in a better position when we do have the extra expenses IVF will undoubtedly bring.

I’m so giddy with excitement. God has really been preparing us for this journey ahead and I couldn’t be more thankful for how he has been walking me through this season of waiting. I hope you know that God has been working this whole time to get you to us in just the right way and at just the right time. I believe that wholeheartedly. God told me last week that He is going to bring you to us in such a way that it will be undeniably through his doing and he will get the glory. I’m just waiting to see how he writes your story, Little One. It’s already got the most beautiful preface!

I met your Aunt Destiny for coffee yesterday. I just can’t help but think of all the wonderful memories you’ll make with her! A few weeks ago she texted me that she can’t wait to hold you in her arms. My heart hurts in just the right way when she says things like that. I love that you’re not even conceived yet, and your story is already touching people. That’s the most magical thing of all! Oh, my sweet child, whenever you read this… I hope you know in your very core that God has made you with a very special purpose and that you devote your entire life to finding and fulfilling it. I hope someday you have faith that moves mountains! God knows, he’s moved so many just to get you to us!

With every bit of my heart, I love you.

XOXOX,

MOM

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Letter 12 – Moving Forward

Dear Little One,

Oh, I miss you! I wish more than anything I could hug and kiss you right now! But if I could, I wouldn’t be writing this…

I want you to know that I still think of you. I haven’t given up on you yet, my little love. In fact, your dad and I have been talking a lot about IVF. I have been researching like crazy and trying to learn all I can about it. I’m not looking forward to all of the bills, shots, and doctor appointments, but if it brings us you, then it will all be worth it!

As it stands, we’re running into some issues with your dad’s job. I won’t go into the details, but it’s a real pain in the butt! We need that whole situation figured out so we can figure out the insurance coverage and how much, if anything, will be covered by his plan. Hopefully, we can have more answers by Thanksgiving!

I’m hoping to start consultations in February just because I like to be ahead of the game and know what to expect. I did an estimate tool online –which may or may not be super accurate– and it estimated our costs at almost $20,000 if everything ends up being out-of-pocket. EEK!! It’s hard not to let those things negatively impact me.

If everything goes according to schedule, we plan to start IVF in May. (God-willing!) That means we might be meeting you in March 2019! (Which sounds like an awfully long time to keep waiting!)

I know that God will make a way to get you to me… someway, somehow! I’m just trying to focus on that for the time-being.

The holidays are coming quickly and, of course, I ALWAYS think of you a lot this time of year. I can’t wait to make so many awesome memories with you, kiddo! We’re gonna have so much fun! I’m going to love you and love being your momma so much. I just know it.

Love,
MOM
XOXOX

Letter 11 – An Umbrella Story

Dear Little One,

I have to tell you about something that happened. I will do my best to articulate this, but my words often fail me when trying to communicate the intricate ways God works with me. Here goes…

Back in January of this year, I felt that God was telling me to do something as an act of faith regarding you. I decided to start crocheting a baby blanket. (I wrote about it in Letter 7.) Shortly after I began that project, I felt a little foolish–and crazy–for crocheting a blanket for a child that doesn’t yet exist. Within a couple of days, I happened upon a Facebook post from one of the infertility bloggers I follow. Here’s what it said:

Friends, I have done this before and I think it deserves a repeating. You see, it’s Josiah Day (see link below), but unlike last month when I ventured down the baby aisles, I didn’t go down them this time to just pray. It wasn’t enough for me this time. Because once upon a time I heard that prayer is asking for rain; but faith? Well, faith is after you pray, you carry around an umbrella. It’s having one with you even when you don’t see a cloud in the sky. It’s sticking one in your purse even on the days there isn’t a drop forecasted. And it’s opening one up even when all hope for needing it is lost. Friend, it’s basically being expectant; but not just with words, but in action. And so today, after I prayed I decided to purchase an “umbrella;” however not for me, because I have lots of umbrellas from previous Josiah Day’s. But instead I wanted to purchase one for you…

Because even now before your miracle happens, I want you to have a baby blanket to hold while you pray earnestly for the moment you are wrapping them up tight after a sweet bubble bath. I want you to bathe your scent in these soft cuddly toys for the day they will need them when you are not near. I want you to have a book so that you can start practicing for when the time comes and you are reading to them each night before they sleep. I want you to have these packages of Kleenexes for that moment you see your long awaited answered prayer for the first time and you are finally able to count their tiny fingers and watch them wiggle their tiny toes. And that chocolate? It’s for now. Or later. I’ll let you decide.

Sweet sister, I have prayed for rain and now I am buying you an umbrella for the down pour. Because I have faith to believe that He hears, He knows and He will answer. I don’t know when, or how, or in what way, but isn’t that faith? It’s asking for rain and then carrying around an umbrella…

 

To read more about Josiah Day click here —> https://waitingforbabybird.com/whats-josiah-day/

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I felt validated. I felt encouraged. And I persisted until your blanket was complete.

Fast forward to last week. On Monday, I was randomly thinking about my aunt, Denise. I don’t think I’ve told you about her yet, but she’s Mimi’s youngest sister. Denise and I were very close growing up because she was more like an older sister to me. Anyhow, I sent her a text simply saying, “I love you.” The next morning she replied with an odd story about umbrellas. Her text said:

I love you!! The short version of the story…
A farming town needed rain for their crops, so they decided to have a prayer meeting. The preacher got in front of the crowd and told them to all go home before they even started praying. When the crowd asked why, the preacher told them if they didn’t believe enough to bring their umbrellas, they didn’t need to pray. 

I believe for you. I will continue to pray. I love you super mucho!

I didn’t really “get it”, that is, until Friday. A card showed up in the mail from Florida. When I opened it, she wrote inside explaining that she heard a sermon on “NOW faith” and thought of me and felt convinced she should do something to show her faith in God’s provision of our miracle. (That’s you!) Inside, she included a gift card to Walmart for us to go get an “umbrella”. I linked her story to the Facebook post I remembered. On top of that, early Friday morning, in my prayer time I was praying for God to show his love to me in a new way and was reminded of God’s presence in weather. The Holy Spirit led me to this verse:

God thunders marvelously with his voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend. (Job 37:5 HCSB)

It was all a little TOO coincidental, for me, to be just a coincidence. That was Friday.

Yesterday, I was in my morning quiet time and the Holy Spirit said to me “El Shaddai”. I had heard that term as one of the names of God, but didn’t know what it meant.  My research showed me that the first time El Shaddai is mentioned in the bible, it is referring to “the promise” of Abraham… for fertility and to conceive a child. I felt that that was further confirmation. El Shaddai means “All-Sufficient One” which is interesting because when I received the terrible news from our fertility doctor, God spoke the verse from 2 Corinthians 12:9 to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So… I sent your dad a message while he was at work and told him I wanted to go to Walmart and spend the gift card we got. He was on board. Last night, your dad and I had dinner and then ventured to the store and picked out a diaper bag. It was the easiest purchase! Haha! I said, “What about a diaper bag?” He said, “Sure.” I picked up one and asked his opinion and your dad said, “No, that’s too small.” So I grabbed another one and he liked it. So we got it. It was so fun to do that together!! I’ve bought other things for you… fabric I like and 1 blanket, but having your dad there with me and contributing input was so special to me. It felt real. A diaper bag is like… REAL. It’s a necessity. It’s obviously a diaper bag so it’s not something I could use for something else. I can’t really explain it, but I am so glad we got it. I’m also so happy that I have people in my life who are helping me to “carry the torch” of faith.

Anyhow, I kept the card to add to your memory box.

I gotta say, kiddo, I’m feeling really good about this. I’m believing that God is going to do something awesome. I’m feeling a little nearer to you after all of this. I’m so looking forward to your arrival!

Until then…

I love you!

MOM
xoxox

 

Letter 10 – Preparations & Planning

Dear Little One,

Oh, my goodness. This process has been so hard. Much more difficult than I ever could have expected. We’re just past the 34 month mark of this journey and I honestly don’t know how to process that it’s almost been 3 full years. For some people with similar struggles 3 years was just the beginning. I hope that’s not the case for us. I don’t know how well I could wait another 3 or 4 years for your arrival. I’m already so impatient!

Your dad and I have spoken a little more about how we plan to proceed in conceiving you. I think we’ve safely settled on In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF). It’s a very expensive procedure so we most likely won’t be able to start that until next year, at the earliest. We’re aiming for late next summer; that way, if we’re successful, you’ll be born in the spring. I hope you’re born in April or May when it’s warm and lovely. Before the awful heat of summer kicks in. Then, again… maybe God will bring you before we go through IVF. He certainly can.

In any case, I’m trying to prepare for you in the only way I can right now. I’m trying to eat healthier and make some changes physically so that the pregnancy when/if it does come will be easier on my body. I want to make my body a safe place for you to grow and be well-care for. So far, I’ve given up all alcohol. I’ve added way more fruit and veggies and I’ve been working on cutting down on coffee and caffeine. (That’s the hardest part!)

I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Your dad and I are working really hard to remodel this house we’re in so we can, hopefully, make a good profit when we sell. That’s going to be our IVF money. (Your dad’s idea!) You should see him. He is working so hard to make all of our dreams come true and to find a way to bring you to us. I love seeing how much he wants you too! We both are so ready to be parents.

I can hardly wait for you…

I love you,

MOM

Letter 9 – Mother’s Day

Dear Little One,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. It was Mother’s Day last weekend, which naturally made me a little sad and wishing you were here. Oh my goodness, I miss you so much!!

Something wonderful happened in the midst of the whirlwind of emotions last weekend. You aunt, Destiny, gave me my first ever Mother’s Day card. It was such a sweet gesture. She wrote on the inside a special note about “rejoicing in what (& who)” God will be bringing to my life. It was so special. I’m gonna save it for you and put it in a special place because I think you’ll be happy to see it when you’re old enough to understand.

I know I’ve told you before, but, again… you are so loved and so wanted. We are ALL waiting with bated breath for your arrival. What makes things like that card so special is that… I don’t think it’s just me that already feels some sort of spiritual connection with you already. I think Destiny is going to be so in love with you. Maybe you’ll have a connection in that you both will be “miracle babies”. In different ways, but equally special.

Oh, my sweet child, my heart is full of hope for you.

The hardest thing in the world is being patient. I felt ready for you YEARS ago! Now, I’m just waiting for God to send you to me. I really hope it’s soon. Mainly because your cousin, Kaylee, is 3 and a half now. I really hoped you two would be close enough in age that you could play together and be friends. The same thing goes for your Uncle Justin’s boys… Bryce is almost 7 (I think!) and Gavin is 4.

Another thing is… I REALLY want you to know your Grandpa Jeff (Pawpaw). Unfortunately, his health hasn’t been doing too well the last year. He’s spent a lot of time in the hospital in Chicago. He is such a good grandpa to the boys and I know he would be just as loving to you. I hope he is around for a long time to come, but I worry that you won’t have the privilege of knowing him.

I feel like I’m being redundant, but I really can’t wait to meet you. You’ve got two parents; a slew of aunts, uncles, and cousins; and a whole village of other family and friends eagerly waiting for you!

I love you.
XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 8 – A Pause

Dear Little One,

It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.

The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!

So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!

As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.

I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.

I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.

I love you.

XOXOX,
Mom

Letter 7 – Baby Blanket

Dear Little One,

Where are you, my little love? My heart hurts because it misses you so deeply. I don’t know how that is possible when I’ve never had you in the first place, but I do. So badly.

I think about you on the regular. Practically every day! Sometimes more than once a day…

I have to tell you something, Little One. I started making you a blanket. I started crocheting it on January 21st, I think. It’s almost done. This is the first actual crochet project I’ve ever made. It makes sense it would be for you. It’s white, coral, lime green, and aqua. I hope you love it. Coral is one of my favorite colors. Coral and lime were two of the wedding colors in me and your dad’s wedding too. I wanted colors that were bright and colorful, but not overly feminine. You may wonder why… it’s because when I think of you… I always see a girl. I also see a girl who is lovely and sweet and soft, but also playful and a little rugged. If you’re anything like your dad and me, you’ll most definitely be an independent and strong-willed kid. I want you to embrace femininity and girlyness, but also completely capable of standing on your own two feet. Your dad talks about taking you fishing and hunting and teaching you how to build things–traditionally those activities are for boys, but you’re dad and I aren’t traditional! Haha! I hope you are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, wise, loving, generous, kind, empathic, determined, and passionate. I hope you are fearless and fully devoted to God. I feel like you’ll bring so much joy and laughter to our world and that you’ll leave beautiful fingerprints of love on every soul you meet. I want you to be a light in a very dark world. Nothing would make me prouder.

I can’t wait to start this journey with you, kid. I can’t wait to meet you and watch you grow into an amazing person. I hope I’ll be as good of a mom to you as I plan to be. I hope you go to bed every single night knowing just how much you are loved, my child. You are.

Love,

MOM
xoxox