Letter 17 – Preparations

Dear Little One (LO),

Good morning! It’s spring! Finally the temps are rising and the birds are chirping and the grass is turning green again. I am so thankful for the reprieve from winter!

Since it’s spring, I have been thinking about you and I wanted to update you on the progress we’re making…

After researching what feels like a million places, we may have finally settled on a clinic for our IVF. Many ladies in the infertility community have recommended a place in New York called CNY Fertility. It is far more affordable than most other places we’ve seen. I have a pretty good feeling about this one!

Because they are so affordable, they are super busy! (I’m a little concerned about that part…) The earliest I could get in for a consult was June 20th. I am kind of glad for the long wait in some ways because it has given me time to do more research and get psyched for it.

The fundraising efforts have kind of slowed. The whole raffle thing seems to have fallen off the radar as your Aunt Ashley and Uncle Matt are moving and I don’t have the time or energy to see it through either. I am instead focusing on the yard sale fundraisers we’re planning because those are more my pace.  We have had SO much stuff donated to these fundraisers! The house is beginning to feel a little like an episode of Hoarders because of it! It’s a good problem to have though. I’m hopeful we can get at least 1-2,000 off the yard sales and that will help!

As for your dad and I, we have been SUPER busy working on getting these projects around the house completed so we can sell it this summer. We’ve made a lot of progress the last month or so! It’s all coming along nicely, although, I don’t think we will have it done until the end of summer most likely. I am just praying that God increases our strength and gives us the ability to finish these projects in a timely manner.

The best part of this phase of life is your dad and me and our marriage. I love that man so much. He continually amazes me in so many ways. I love how playful and fun our marriage is. The other day, we had an impromptu mini-volleyball match in the kitchen with a balloon. It was so fun! We laughed and had the best time just being silly together. That’s my favorite thing about him. He brings out my playful side.

Speaking of playfulness, your cousins (Gavin and Bryce) visited for a bit Saturday. Watching your dad with them makes my heart just melt. Seeing how much he loves them gives me a glimpse of how much I know he’ll love you. You two will have such fun together. He’s going to be the best daddy to you. I just know it!

Over the years, we’ve been trying to get pregnant, I have seen this tenderness come out in your father. I have seen his desire for children turn from ambivalence to passion. It is touching to see how his love for children has grown. I can’t even explain how I have seen him shift in this regard… I think the difference is he has HOPE. Before he was unsure about kids because he didn’t want to pass on his health issues. Now, he seems hopeful that he can have children without worrying about that.

Anyhow, I had better get ready for work. I love you, kiddo.

Love,
MOM
xoxox

 

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Letter 16 – Lo! The Community Baby

Dear Little One,

I just hope you know how loved you are going to be. The miracle baby. The baby God chose. The “community” baby.

Your aunt, Ashley, came over last night while I was waiting for your dad to get home from work. She promptly announced that she had an idea to help us raise money for IVF. She proceeded to spill details about this idea… a raffle/auction.

In 2 hours, without any real advertisement or major effort, she was able to get 8 different companies to contribute items to this raffle. I am AMAZED.

Kid, I hope you don’t let this go to your head, but EVERYONE is pulling for you. Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed by this. It is beyond me. This dream that was planted in my heart so many years ago has taken root has gone to seed. Like the puffy part of a dandelion– those little seeds of hope have been scattered by the breath of God have now begun to embed themselves in the soil of other hearts. We are all hoping and praying and waiting for you.

Also, I was thinking this morning about how your dad and I call you “little one”. I was thinking about LO. I knew that the phrase “Lo” is in the bible, so I googled ‘lo verse’. And it popped up with Psalms 127:3…
“Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord : and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” (KJV) That made me smile. I also looked up the definition of that word, since it isn’t used much in today’s lingo. It said, “exclamation -used to draw attention to an interesting or amazing event.” I think that’s perfect for you… LO.

I am so excited to see this journey continue to unfold. You are worth waiting for.

I love you.

MOM
XOXOX

Letter 15 – Where is Christmas?

Dear Little One,

Oh, my sweet child! It’s almost Christmas. Although, this year Christmas has just lost some of the appeal. It’s still special, but I have had a really difficult time enjoying it as much as I usually do. I don’t know why this year seems worse or harder than other years, but it does. Part of my heart, just feels cold to Christmas because you aren’t here yet. It just feels wrong to celebrate without you. Maybe next year, I will be pregnant at this time and that will make things different…

I also wanted to tell you that I heard about this IVF grant giveaway from some people online. Your dad and I decided to apply and give it a shot. I have no idea how many people are entering–I think there might be A LOT of us! They are giving away 4 grants. I really hope one of them is for us. Maybe then, we could start IVF sooner than May or June! I am kind of expecting not to win just because of the amount of people I expect will apply. But I wanted you to know, we’re doing everything in our power to get you here. If God allows this to happen and us to win… that would just be AWESOME. Tomorrow, they are supposed to pick the winners. So, we shall see… I can’t say I won’t be a little disappointed if we don’t win, but at least we tried, right?

My heart hurts for you today.

I love you so much!

XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 14 – Seeing the signs

Dear Little One,

I’m thinking about you so much lately. More than usual even!

I know you will know that I have wanted you every second of my life, but I have to say, there is a silver lining in this waiting process. The great thing is that God has used this time to prepare me for the day you come. He has been growing me so much lately and helping me to become more of the woman it’s going to take to be a good mom for you. He has also been growing your dad a lot too, even though he may not realize it. I think he’s making sure we will be the best parents we can possibly be. He’s showing me how to be patient, how to be more generous, how to be fully present and enjoy the little things. All of those, undoubtedly, will come in handy when I FINALLY get to meet you.

I also wanted to tell you that I was able to schedule the consultation appointments for January and I couldn’t be more thrilled!

Something else really cool happened… On Sunday, I got a random message from a woman I used to work with back in 2014 & 2015. She is a Christian. Anyhow, she asked me to call her because she’d lost my cell number. So I did. She told me that she’d had a dream about me the night before. In the dream, she and I were driving and she was telling me that God had told her that my baby (you!) were coming soon and I should prepare the nursery as an act of faith.

Crazy, right?! She told me it was odd that she would dream of me so she took it as a sign that God wanted to use her to tell me this. I just laughed a little. I don’t think she knows about any of the other stuff that’s happened in the last year that has also confirmed what she said! It was just a little overwhelming for me.

After I got off the phone, I told your dad about the conversation and he said, “Not TOO soon!” He is worried about you, kiddo. Maybe more than me! He wants to make sure you don’t inherit his medical issues. He’s afraid that God will send you to us before we can do IVF and you’ll have his FAP stuff. BUT…you and I both know that God can do ANYTHING. I don’t think that’s how it’s going to happen at all. I have faith that God has a very special plan for you and for how he’s going to bring you to us. He has sent sign after sign after sign confirming that he is about to move. I’M READY! Whether it’s today or this summer or whenever… I’m excited to meet you, kid! I can’t wait to see how this story goes…

I love you.
XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 13 – Moving mountains

Dear Little One,

I just wanted to say hello and let you know how things are going. First, your dad finally has a timeline for his job and the insurance. We found out that as of January 4th, his insurance should be active. I’m really excited about this because this means that we can start moving forward!!

I plan to call this week and schedule a consult with 2 of the local clinics to compare pricing and plans and all of that. I’m going to schedule them for the middle of January. The reason I am calling now is because most of the time these clinics have long wait times and it can easily be a month before you can even be scheduled. Because I am impatient, I want to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible. (You know how I am!)

Something else really cool happened, your dad found out he’s getting a raise! So our finances should be in a better position when we do have the extra expenses IVF will undoubtedly bring.

I’m so giddy with excitement. God has really been preparing us for this journey ahead and I couldn’t be more thankful for how he has been walking me through this season of waiting. I hope you know that God has been working this whole time to get you to us in just the right way and at just the right time. I believe that wholeheartedly. God told me last week that He is going to bring you to us in such a way that it will be undeniably through his doing and he will get the glory. I’m just waiting to see how he writes your story, Little One. It’s already got the most beautiful preface!

I met your Aunt Destiny for coffee yesterday. I just can’t help but think of all the wonderful memories you’ll make with her! A few weeks ago she texted me that she can’t wait to hold you in her arms. My heart hurts in just the right way when she says things like that. I love that you’re not even conceived yet, and your story is already touching people. That’s the most magical thing of all! Oh, my sweet child, whenever you read this… I hope you know in your very core that God has made you with a very special purpose and that you devote your entire life to finding and fulfilling it. I hope someday you have faith that moves mountains! God knows, he’s moved so many just to get you to us!

With every bit of my heart, I love you.

XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 12 – Moving Forward

Dear Little One,

Oh, I miss you! I wish more than anything I could hug and kiss you right now! But if I could, I wouldn’t be writing this…

I want you to know that I still think of you. I haven’t given up on you yet, my little love. In fact, your dad and I have been talking a lot about IVF. I have been researching like crazy and trying to learn all I can about it. I’m not looking forward to all of the bills, shots, and doctor appointments, but if it brings us you, then it will all be worth it!

As it stands, we’re running into some issues with your dad’s job. I won’t go into the details, but it’s a real pain in the butt! We need that whole situation figured out so we can figure out the insurance coverage and how much, if anything, will be covered by his plan. Hopefully, we can have more answers by Thanksgiving!

I’m hoping to start consultations in February just because I like to be ahead of the game and know what to expect. I did an estimate tool online –which may or may not be super accurate– and it estimated our costs at almost $20,000 if everything ends up being out-of-pocket. EEK!! It’s hard not to let those things negatively impact me.

If everything goes according to schedule, we plan to start IVF in May. (God-willing!) That means we might be meeting you in March 2019! (Which sounds like an awfully long time to keep waiting!)

I know that God will make a way to get you to me… someway, somehow! I’m just trying to focus on that for the time-being.

The holidays are coming quickly and, of course, I ALWAYS think of you a lot this time of year. I can’t wait to make so many awesome memories with you, kiddo! We’re gonna have so much fun! I’m going to love you and love being your momma so much. I just know it.

Love,
MOM
XOXOX

Letter 11 – An Umbrella Story

Dear Little One,

I have to tell you about something that happened. I will do my best to articulate this, but my words often fail me when trying to communicate the intricate ways God works with me. Here goes…

Back in January of this year, I felt that God was telling me to do something as an act of faith regarding you. I decided to start crocheting a baby blanket. (I wrote about it in Letter 7.) Shortly after I began that project, I felt a little foolish–and crazy–for crocheting a blanket for a child that doesn’t yet exist. Within a couple of days, I happened upon a Facebook post from one of the infertility bloggers I follow. Here’s what it said:

Friends, I have done this before and I think it deserves a repeating. You see, it’s Josiah Day (see link below), but unlike last month when I ventured down the baby aisles, I didn’t go down them this time to just pray. It wasn’t enough for me this time. Because once upon a time I heard that prayer is asking for rain; but faith? Well, faith is after you pray, you carry around an umbrella. It’s having one with you even when you don’t see a cloud in the sky. It’s sticking one in your purse even on the days there isn’t a drop forecasted. And it’s opening one up even when all hope for needing it is lost. Friend, it’s basically being expectant; but not just with words, but in action. And so today, after I prayed I decided to purchase an “umbrella;” however not for me, because I have lots of umbrellas from previous Josiah Day’s. But instead I wanted to purchase one for you…

Because even now before your miracle happens, I want you to have a baby blanket to hold while you pray earnestly for the moment you are wrapping them up tight after a sweet bubble bath. I want you to bathe your scent in these soft cuddly toys for the day they will need them when you are not near. I want you to have a book so that you can start practicing for when the time comes and you are reading to them each night before they sleep. I want you to have these packages of Kleenexes for that moment you see your long awaited answered prayer for the first time and you are finally able to count their tiny fingers and watch them wiggle their tiny toes. And that chocolate? It’s for now. Or later. I’ll let you decide.

Sweet sister, I have prayed for rain and now I am buying you an umbrella for the down pour. Because I have faith to believe that He hears, He knows and He will answer. I don’t know when, or how, or in what way, but isn’t that faith? It’s asking for rain and then carrying around an umbrella…

 

To read more about Josiah Day click here —> https://waitingforbabybird.com/whats-josiah-day/

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I felt validated. I felt encouraged. And I persisted until your blanket was complete.

Fast forward to last week. On Monday, I was randomly thinking about my aunt, Denise. I don’t think I’ve told you about her yet, but she’s Mimi’s youngest sister. Denise and I were very close growing up because she was more like an older sister to me. Anyhow, I sent her a text simply saying, “I love you.” The next morning she replied with an odd story about umbrellas. Her text said:

I love you!! The short version of the story…
A farming town needed rain for their crops, so they decided to have a prayer meeting. The preacher got in front of the crowd and told them to all go home before they even started praying. When the crowd asked why, the preacher told them if they didn’t believe enough to bring their umbrellas, they didn’t need to pray. 

I believe for you. I will continue to pray. I love you super mucho!

I didn’t really “get it”, that is, until Friday. A card showed up in the mail from Florida. When I opened it, she wrote inside explaining that she heard a sermon on “NOW faith” and thought of me and felt convinced she should do something to show her faith in God’s provision of our miracle. (That’s you!) Inside, she included a gift card to Walmart for us to go get an “umbrella”. I linked her story to the Facebook post I remembered. On top of that, early Friday morning, in my prayer time I was praying for God to show his love to me in a new way and was reminded of God’s presence in weather. The Holy Spirit led me to this verse:

God thunders marvelously with his voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend. (Job 37:5 HCSB)

It was all a little TOO coincidental, for me, to be just a coincidence. That was Friday.

Yesterday, I was in my morning quiet time and the Holy Spirit said to me “El Shaddai”. I had heard that term as one of the names of God, but didn’t know what it meant.  My research showed me that the first time El Shaddai is mentioned in the bible, it is referring to “the promise” of Abraham… for fertility and to conceive a child. I felt that that was further confirmation. El Shaddai means “All-Sufficient One” which is interesting because when I received the terrible news from our fertility doctor, God spoke the verse from 2 Corinthians 12:9 to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So… I sent your dad a message while he was at work and told him I wanted to go to Walmart and spend the gift card we got. He was on board. Last night, your dad and I had dinner and then ventured to the store and picked out a diaper bag. It was the easiest purchase! Haha! I said, “What about a diaper bag?” He said, “Sure.” I picked up one and asked his opinion and your dad said, “No, that’s too small.” So I grabbed another one and he liked it. So we got it. It was so fun to do that together!! I’ve bought other things for you… fabric I like and 1 blanket, but having your dad there with me and contributing input was so special to me. It felt real. A diaper bag is like… REAL. It’s a necessity. It’s obviously a diaper bag so it’s not something I could use for something else. I can’t really explain it, but I am so glad we got it. I’m also so happy that I have people in my life who are helping me to “carry the torch” of faith.

Anyhow, I kept the card to add to your memory box.

I gotta say, kiddo, I’m feeling really good about this. I’m believing that God is going to do something awesome. I’m feeling a little nearer to you after all of this. I’m so looking forward to your arrival!

Until then…

I love you!

MOM
xoxox