Letter 10 – Preparations & Planning

Dear Little One,

Oh, my goodness. This process has been so hard. Much more difficult than I ever could have expected. We’re just past the 34 month mark of this journey and I honestly don’t know how to process that it’s almost been 3 full years. For some people with similar struggles 3 years was just the beginning. I hope that’s not the case for us. I don’t know how well I could wait another 3 or 4 years for your arrival. I’m already so impatient!

Your dad and I have spoken a little more about how we plan to proceed in conceiving you. I think we’ve safely settled on In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF). It’s a very expensive procedure so we most likely won’t be able to start that until next year, at the earliest. We’re aiming for late next summer; that way, if we’re successful, you’ll be born in the spring. I hope you’re born in April or May when it’s warm and lovely. Before the awful heat of summer kicks in. Then, again… maybe God will bring you before we go through IVF. He certainly can.

In any case, I’m trying to prepare for you in the only way I can right now. I’m trying to eat healthier and make some changes physically so that the pregnancy when/if it does come will be easier on my body. I want to make my body a safe place for you to grow and be well-care for. So far, I’ve given up all alcohol. I’ve added way more fruit and veggies and I’ve been working on cutting down on coffee and caffeine. (That’s the hardest part!)

I just want you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Your dad and I are working really hard to remodel this house we’re in so we can, hopefully, make a good profit when we sell. That’s going to be our IVF money. (Your dad’s idea!) You should see him. He is working so hard to make all of our dreams come true and to find a way to bring you to us. I love seeing how much he wants you too! We both are so ready to be parents.

I can hardly wait for you…

I love you,

MOM

Letter 9 – Mother’s Day

Dear Little One,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. It was Mother’s Day last weekend, which naturally made me a little sad and wishing you were here. Oh my goodness, I miss you so much!!

Something wonderful happened in the midst of the whirlwind of emotions last weekend. You aunt, Destiny, gave me my first ever Mother’s Day card. It was such a sweet gesture. She wrote on the inside a special note about “rejoicing in what (& who)” God will be bringing to my life. It was so special. I’m gonna save it for you and put it in a special place because I think you’ll be happy to see it when you’re old enough to understand.

I know I’ve told you before, but, again… you are so loved and so wanted. We are ALL waiting with bated breath for your arrival. What makes things like that card so special is that… I don’t think it’s just me that already feels some sort of spiritual connection with you already. I think Destiny is going to be so in love with you. Maybe you’ll have a connection in that you both will be “miracle babies”. In different ways, but equally special.

Oh, my sweet child, my heart is full of hope for you.

The hardest thing in the world is being patient. I felt ready for you YEARS ago! Now, I’m just waiting for God to send you to me. I really hope it’s soon. Mainly because your cousin, Kaylee, is 3 and a half now. I really hoped you two would be close enough in age that you could play together and be friends. The same thing goes for your Uncle Justin’s boys… Bryce is almost 7 (I think!) and Gavin is 4.

Another thing is… I REALLY want you to know your Grandpa Jeff (Pawpaw). Unfortunately, his health hasn’t been doing too well the last year. He’s spent a lot of time in the hospital in Chicago. He is such a good grandpa to the boys and I know he would be just as loving to you. I hope he is around for a long time to come, but I worry that you won’t have the privilege of knowing him.

I feel like I’m being redundant, but I really can’t wait to meet you. You’ve got two parents; a slew of aunts, uncles, and cousins; and a whole village of other family and friends eagerly waiting for you!

I love you.
XOXOX,

MOM

Letter 8 – A Pause

Dear Little One,

It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.

The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!

So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!

As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.

I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.

I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.

I love you.

XOXOX,
Mom

Letter 7 – Baby Blanket

Dear Little One,

Where are you, my little love? My heart hurts because it misses you so deeply. I don’t know how that is possible when I’ve never had you in the first place, but I do. So badly.

I think about you on the regular. Practically every day! Sometimes more than once a day…

I have to tell you something, Little One. I started making you a blanket. I started crocheting it on January 21st, I think. It’s almost done. This is the first actual crochet project I’ve ever made. It makes sense it would be for you. It’s white, coral, lime green, and aqua. I hope you love it. Coral is one of my favorite colors. Coral and lime were two of the wedding colors in me and your dad’s wedding too. I wanted colors that were bright and colorful, but not overly feminine. You may wonder why… it’s because when I think of you… I always see a girl. I also see a girl who is lovely and sweet and soft, but also playful and a little rugged. If you’re anything like your dad and me, you’ll most definitely be an independent and strong-willed kid. I want you to embrace femininity and girlyness, but also completely capable of standing on your own two feet. Your dad talks about taking you fishing and hunting and teaching you how to build things–traditionally those activities are for boys, but you’re dad and I aren’t traditional! Haha! I hope you are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, wise, loving, generous, kind, empathic, determined, and passionate. I hope you are fearless and fully devoted to God. I feel like you’ll bring so much joy and laughter to our world and that you’ll leave beautiful fingerprints of love on every soul you meet. I want you to be a light in a very dark world. Nothing would make me prouder.

I can’t wait to start this journey with you, kid. I can’t wait to meet you and watch you grow into an amazing person. I hope I’ll be as good of a mom to you as I plan to be. I hope you go to bed every single night knowing just how much you are loved, my child. You are.

Love,

MOM
xoxox

 

Letter 6 – Your Dad

Dear Little One,

I wanted to tell you a little about your dear ol’ dad.

First, he’s amazing. I’m sure you already know that though! But he really is.

He is the kind of man that gives 110% in everything. The way he loves me is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. He is soft and sweet and also playful and rough. He is perfect for me in every way that counts. He also works hard… crazy hard! He goes to work even when he is sick and doesn’t feel well. He is such a man of integrity and great character. I can’t wait for you to know him. He is going to be the best dad to you. I believe that with every ounce of my being.

He has like 100 t-shirts. He wears his clothes until they are literally falling apart at the seams and says the holes are for venting purposes. It drives me crazy, but that’s kind of how he is… he likes things “worn in” and comfortable. He doesn’t throw things away when it can still be used. It’s just further evidence of his loving heart and inability to give up.

He loves sweets. You’ll figure that out probably by the time you’re two! Chocolate, cookies, brownies, candy, cake… he loves it all! If it has sprinkles and gobs of icing, even better! I imagine the two of you bonding over ice cream… that’s one of his favorite indulgences.

Your dad is really a big kid at heart! And that’s one of the things I love most about him! He has a really goofy sense of humor and I’m sure you’ve heard his “chipmunk voice”! He loves to wrestle and tickle and just be generally silly. Not many people get to know this side of your dad, so I hope you know how lucky you are that you’ll get to see all of his wonderful dorkiness.

I want you to know that while your dad sometimes gets a little heated, sarcastic and even cynical, he has a really big heart and he’s a major softy! He tries to keep his emotions to himself and be strong, but he worries… a lot. He worries that he won’t live very long due to his FAP disease. He worries that he won’t be successful. He worries that he won’t be able to provide a good life for me (and for you, when you get here)! He worries that he’s not good enough. He’s really really hard on himself–so take it easy on him when you get to that strong-willed teenager phase! This is kind of heart-breaking for me because he really is one of the best people I know and I wish he could feel that.

I can’t wait for your dad to have a child. He’s going to be such a phenomenal father and I hope you appreciate all of his awesome qualities as much as I do. He’s pretty great.

I love you.

Mom

 

Letter 2 – A sign?

Dear Little One,

I had something happen this morning that gave me a signal you MIGHT be on your way. I’m really trying not to get my hopes up, but it’s so hard!

I really hope this is a good sign. We should find out one way or another by Monday, at the latest. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Before I even got the signal, I had a dream last night that I had a baby, but in my dream, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I gave birth to a boy. So, maybe you are on the way… and maybe you’re a boy???

Either way, I’ll be okay. Your dad and I want one of each, but–at this point–we’re not picky!

We’re waiting for you, little one.
I love you.
XOXOX!

Mom