Dear Little One,
It’s been a little while since my last letter so I wanted to take some time to catch you up.
The last couple of months have been very challenging for your dad and I individually. Your dad lost his job on January 25th due to his position being eliminated by the company employing him. It took him almost a month to start another job. He goes to work every day and it pays the bills, but he really doesn’t feel fulfilled there and it’s taking a toll on him. Still, he does it. I know it’s hard on him, but the man has more work ethic in his pinky than I do in my totality. That’s just how he is. I love and admire him for it. He really is a good man!
So, your dad has had it rough professionally and I’m not working at all. I haven’t worked since November. It’s hard and frustrating because I really expected to be a practicing counselor by now with at least a few consistent clients, but… God apparently had other plans. I’m still looking for work and praying that God opens a door somewhere soon!
As a result of our unstable financial situation, we’ve stopped actively trying to get pregnant. It is necessary right now, but also very challenging. Nothing has changed as far as I am concerned and I still want you as much as (if not more than!) before. I still think about you often.
I have started to consider the possibility that you may not be coming to us biologically. This is something I had never really thought much about before now. I still don’t know what God has up his sleeves, so to speak.
I just want you to know, my sweet child, that I haven’t given up on you and I don’t know that I ever could. My heart longs for the day I get to gaze upon your precious face and stare into your lovely eyes and hold you tightly in my arms. That is what I wait for. That expectation is what keeps me holding on through the most trying of times in this journey.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
Where are you, my little love? My heart hurts because it misses you so deeply. I don’t know how that is possible when I’ve never had you in the first place, but I do. So badly.
I think about you on the regular. Practically every day! Sometimes more than once a day…
I have to tell you something, Little One. I started making you a blanket. I started crocheting it on January 21st, I think. It’s almost done. This is the first actual crochet project I’ve ever made. It makes sense it would be for you. It’s white, coral, lime green, and aqua. I hope you love it. Coral is one of my favorite colors. Coral and lime were two of the wedding colors in me and your dad’s wedding too. I wanted colors that were bright and colorful, but not overly feminine. You may wonder why… it’s because when I think of you… I always see a girl. I also see a girl who is lovely and sweet and soft, but also playful and a little rugged. If you’re anything like your dad and me, you’ll most definitely be an independent and strong-willed kid. I want you to embrace femininity and girlyness, but also completely capable of standing on your own two feet. Your dad talks about taking you fishing and hunting and teaching you how to build things–traditionally those activities are for boys, but you’re dad and I aren’t traditional! Haha! I hope you are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, wise, loving, generous, kind, empathic, determined, and passionate. I hope you are fearless and fully devoted to God. I feel like you’ll bring so much joy and laughter to our world and that you’ll leave beautiful fingerprints of love on every soul you meet. I want you to be a light in a very dark world. Nothing would make me prouder.
I can’t wait to start this journey with you, kid. I can’t wait to meet you and watch you grow into an amazing person. I hope I’ll be as good of a mom to you as I plan to be. I hope you go to bed every single night knowing just how much you are loved, my child. You are.
Dear Little One,
I wanted to tell you a little about your dear ol’ dad.
First, he’s amazing. I’m sure you already know that though! But he really is.
He is the kind of man that gives 110% in everything. The way he loves me is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. He is soft and sweet and also playful and rough. He is perfect for me in every way that counts. He also works hard… crazy hard! He goes to work even when he is sick and doesn’t feel well. He is such a man of integrity and great character. I can’t wait for you to know him. He is going to be the best dad to you. I believe that with every ounce of my being.
He has like 100 t-shirts. He wears his clothes until they are literally falling apart at the seams and says the holes are for venting purposes. It drives me crazy, but that’s kind of how he is… he likes things “worn in” and comfortable. He doesn’t throw things away when it can still be used. It’s just further evidence of his loving heart and inability to give up.
He loves sweets. You’ll figure that out probably by the time you’re two! Chocolate, cookies, brownies, candy, cake… he loves it all! If it has sprinkles and gobs of icing, even better! I imagine the two of you bonding over ice cream… that’s one of his favorite indulgences.
Your dad is really a big kid at heart! And that’s one of the things I love most about him! He has a really goofy sense of humor and I’m sure you’ve heard his “chipmunk voice”! He loves to wrestle and tickle and just be generally silly. Not many people get to know this side of your dad, so I hope you know how lucky you are that you’ll get to see all of his wonderful dorkiness.
I want you to know that while your dad sometimes gets a little heated, sarcastic and even cynical, he has a really big heart and he’s a major softy! He tries to keep his emotions to himself and be strong, but he worries… a lot. He worries that he won’t live very long due to his FAP disease. He worries that he won’t be successful. He worries that he won’t be able to provide a good life for me (and for you, when you get here)! He worries that he’s not good enough. He’s really really hard on himself–so take it easy on him when you get to that strong-willed teenager phase! This is kind of heart-breaking for me because he really is one of the best people I know and I wish he could feel that.
I can’t wait for your dad to have a child. He’s going to be such a phenomenal father and I hope you appreciate all of his awesome qualities as much as I do. He’s pretty great.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
I had another dream. It was short and simple, but it was wonderful.
I had a dream that I was in a room talking with a little girl. She was maybe 4 or 5 with a round baby face and brown hair that had a slight red tinge to it. She was adorable and talkative. In the midst of talking with her, I realized I was pregnant and that this little girl was my future child. When I came to that realization, I silently prayed, “Lord, if this is my child and if I’m pregnant, tell her to have me name her Lily.” I, then, asked the little girl, “What name do you want me to give you?” She smiled and said, “Lily.” Then, I rubbed my belly and thanked God for giving me that.
I woke up with that name going through my mind over and over.
It made me smile. It brought some hope, which I’ve been lacking a little. I feel like this dream might have been from God. I hope he’s telling me that he’ll bring you to me soon. It was so real. Almost like I could touch her.
If you’re reading this… and you’re a girl… you’ll know why I named you Lily. Because the Lord told me in a dream to name you that.
Oh my precious little one! How I long to see you! To hold you! To look into your sweet face and kiss your little cheeks! I am thankful for this dream, but it only makes the hole all the more painful. I pray that the Lord sends you to me and your dad soon.
I want you to know that we already have a room picked for you… and painted. I also know how we’ll decorate it! I bought some fabric to make into blankets or bibs or other things for you. I imagine sitting in that room and rocking you to sleep or feeding you. I imagine watching you play and reading you bedtime stories. I wonder when those days will come.
I love you, sweet baby. Already. I know that it sounds crazy, but I already feel a connection to you. I hope you know I love you more than words can say. Come soon, little one.
I love you.
Dear Little One,
Now let me tell you about Aunt Destiny…
Destiny is 9 years younger than me and 5 years younger than Aunt Ashley. Destiny is the only one who was born in Missouri. Ash and I were born in California. An interesting fact about Aunt Destiny–or Dest, as we sometimes call her–is that she was stillborn. In other words, she was technically dead when she was born, but miraculously… she was able to be revived. She’s a real miracle!
Because of the age difference, Destiny and I had a pretty good relationship most of the time. I would say that while we were growing up, Destiny was more like my child than my sister. So, you can thank her for me being an awesome mom because I had some practice with her!
Aunt Destiny is a lot like your mom. Destiny used to call herself my “younger twin” because everyone said we looked and acted so much alike. She was my mini-me for some time. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, we have similar taste in clothes, décor, food, music, and hobbies. Although, Aunt Destiny is far more introverted than me! I still don’t know how that happened! No one else in the family is an introvert…
Aunt Destiny is very reflective and analytical by nature. She is a strong Christian woman and she practices what she preaches. She may not be “the life of the party” but don’t let that fool you! She is a lot of fun! She loves to joke and be sarcastic. She is crazy smart and always has good insight. If you need someone to go to with questions about the major issues in life, she’s your girl. If she doesn’t know the answer, she’ll help you find it. Her love may be less affectionate than Aunt Ashley’s, but don’t ever think she loves you any less. I promise!
Some memories of your Aunt Destiny…
- Giving her all my broccoli because she loved it and I didn’t.
- Sleepovers with me and Derek and cooking her favorite foods.
- Playing truth or dare with her and Ashley and trying to make Destiny drink toilet water.
- Late nights with her at Mimi’s watching Degrassi.
- Staying up until well after midnight talking about our faith and deepest hopes, dreams, fears, and our love for each other. (This usually went on until one or both of us were in tears.)
- COUNTLESS inside jokes with her and Aunt Ashley…
- “Destiny, have you been kissing the parrot?!” (aka the red cupcake incident)
- Lakweefsha Poo and Farticus Stinch (trip to Boston)
- This is true. But of course! You don’t say! Well, I never…
- “For the love of God, woman! Learn how to drive!”
- Late night phone conversations usually surrounding dream interpretations and psychoanalysis.
I want you to know that your Aunt Destiny may seem a little crunchy on the outside sometimes, but she’s really a big softy! I really hope you and her have the opportunity to spend lots of time together because I think you’d love her and I know she’ll love you. If you ever need prayer or answers and you can’t come to me or your dad, call her.
Dear Little One,
I want to tell you a little about your aunts. First, let’s start with Ashley…
She is 4 years younger than your mom. Your mom likes to “occasionally” remind her that she only exists because your mom asked Mimi and Paw Paw for a little sister. It’s all in good fun now! When we were growing up, she and I had a very bipolar relationship. (If you’ve been around me enough, you know what that means already, but otherwise… look it up.) Basically, we disagreed on one fundamental thing… that she was the spawn of Satan. I thought she was; she did not. I’m kidding, of course, but back then… we just didn’t mix very well.
These days, we’re grown up and have a very different relationship. We get along great. Sure she does things that drive me crazy at times and I know I drive her crazy too, but overall, things are really good!
So, about her…
She’s my middle sister. She’s very fun-loving and outgoing. She’s a real social butterfly! She loves to throw parties and have big get-togethers. She’s really silly and sometimes can be a little ditzy, but she’s smarter than you think! She’s very kind and loving and generous. She’s also very sentimental. It doesn’t take much to make her cry (happy tears, of course). She also has a weak bladder, so don’t make her laugh too hard unless you want to see your Aunt pee her pants! (She’s done it a several times…) She likes to dance and sing in the car. We used to sing Disney songs in the car and still do sometimes! Her favorite Disney princess will probably ALWAYS be Jasmine. She likes things that are pink and girly. You probably think she is a HUGE girly girl… and she is! But she also used to be in the Army reserves. So she could kick some butt if she needs to! We didn’t used to call her “Sassy Ashy” for nothing!!
One thing that is important for you to know is that, while we fought a lot as kids, underneath it… we loved each other very much! Ashley got bullied quite a lot for her teeth–they weren’t always straight and pretty! Ash seemed to get herself in a lot of predicaments, but I always had her back when it came down to it. I got in a couple of fist fights with the neighbors for picking on her.
Some other memories of your Aunt Ashley…
- Playing Barbies (a lot) and making huge houses out of the bunk beds, hot tubs in the bathroom sink, and beach parties in the tub.
- Practicing my skills as a hair dresser and cutting the hair off Ashley’s Barbies. (She never forgave me for it!)
- Teaching Ash how to sneak her veggies from her plate so we wouldn’t have to eat them.
- Playing photographer by dressing her in my clothes, doing her hair and makeup, then having a photoshoot.
- Playing hide-and-seek, then scaring her so bad she wet herself!
- “Hit me baby one more time!” (Dorothy, get the Prilosec, my hip went out again!)
- Jamming to Backstreet Boys and N’Sync. We used to put together dance routines too!
- Rushing Ashley to the hospital after her bad bike wreck and Mimi wasn’t there so I had to hold her hand.
- Recording a radio show with our friends Amanda and Tiffany. We made stage names and everything!
- Playing obstacle course in the front yard.
- Seeing Ashley for the first time after Basic Training and crying like a baby when we had to leave.
- Spending an awesome summer day with her and my friend, Steffany. We walked the Osage Trail in Cape and got SUPER sunburnt. Then, we went to Ashley and her boyfriend’s apartment to play washers.
- Jumping on the trampoline with Aunt Ashley, Mimi and Aunt Destiny until late in the evenings and laughing til we cried!
- Driving up to see Uncle Matt when him and Ashley were just dating… Ashley got pulled over for running over the median!!
- Ashley and Uncle Matt’s wedding day… so much fun and so many happy tears.
- When she told me she was pregnant with Kaylee.
Ashley is the person you can talk to about anything. She is never judgmental and will listen to you when you have a problem… just be careful what advice you take from her! I hope you two are as close as I am with Kaylee. Ashley was been waiting for you almost as long as I have. I know she’s looking forward to being an aunt.
Dear Little One,
I had something happen this morning that gave me a signal you MIGHT be on your way. I’m really trying not to get my hopes up, but it’s so hard!
I really hope this is a good sign. We should find out one way or another by Monday, at the latest. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!
Before I even got the signal, I had a dream last night that I had a baby, but in my dream, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I gave birth to a boy. So, maybe you are on the way… and maybe you’re a boy???
Either way, I’ll be okay. Your dad and I want one of each, but–at this point–we’re not picky!
We’re waiting for you, little one.
I love you.